国芳多语对照文库:[拉英汉三语对照]《忏悔录》(奥古斯丁) The Confessions of Saint Augustine
  
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解密目标语言:英语
Language to be decoded:  English

解密辅助语言:汉语
Auxiliary Language :  Chinese

解密文本:《忏悔录》  [ 古罗马 ]   圣·奥古斯丁 著

AUGUSTINI CONFESSIONUM

Saint Augustine

  The Confessions of Saint Augustine
by Saint Augustine
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BOOK I

 

卷一

1.1 
1.2 
1.3 
1.4 
1.5 
1.6 
1.7 
1.8 
1.9 
1.10 
1.11  十一
1.12 十二
1.13  十三
1.14 十四
1.15  十五
1.16 十六
1.17  十七
1.18 十八
1.19  十九
1.20 二十
1.21  二十一
1.22  二十二
1.23 二十三
1.24 二十四
1.25  二十五
1.26  二十六
1.27 二十七
1.28  二十八
1.29 二十九
1.30  三十
1.31  三十一



1.1

Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, and Thy wisdom infinite. And Thee would man praise; man, but a particle of Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of his sin, the witness that Thou resistest the proud: yet would man praise Thee; he, but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? or how shall they believe without a preacher? and they that seek the Lord shall praise Him: for they that seek shall find Him, and they that find shall praise Him. I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee; and will call on Thee, believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. My faith, Lord, shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewith Thou hast inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through the ministry of the Preacher.

            

“主,你是伟大的,你应受一切赞美;你有无上的能力、无限的智慧。”①一个人,受造物中渺小的一分子,愿意赞颂你;这人遍体带着死亡,遍体带着罪恶的证据,遍体证明“你拒绝骄傲的人”。②但这人,受造物中渺小的一分子,愿意赞颂你。 你鼓动他乐于赞颂你,因为你造我们是为了你,我们的心如不安息在你怀中,便不会安宁。 主啊,请使我得知并理解是否应先向你呼吁而后赞颂你,或是先认识你然后向你呼吁。但谁能不认识你而向你呼吁?因为不认识你而呼吁,可能并不是向你呼吁。或许向你呼吁是为了认识你?但“既然不信,怎会呼吁?无人传授,怎会相信?”③“谁追寻主,就将赞颂主”,④因为追寻主,就会获得主; 获得主,也就会赞颂主。主,请使我向你呼吁,同时追求你;使我相信你,同时向你呼吁,因为你已经传授给我们。主,我的信仰要向你呼吁;你所给我的信仰,你通过你的“圣子”⑤的人性,通过布道者的工作而灌输给我的信仰向你呼吁。

①见《旧约•诗篇》144首3节;146首5节。译者按:奥氏所引《新旧约》文字与天主教《通行拉丁文译本》相合,而与我国通行基督教(新教)译本,卷数文字略有出入,故书中引文,据拉丁文直译。又《诗篇》,通行拉丁文译本,以9、10两首,合为一首,147首分为两首,故自第10至147首,与基督教本相差一首。
②见《新约•彼得前书》5章5节。
③见《新约•罗马书》10章14节。
④见《诗篇》21首7节。
⑤天主教教义,天主有三位,第二位圣子,降世成人,是为耶稣基督。




1.2

And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call for Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is there within me, whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God who made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me that can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, and wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also. For if I go down into hell, Thou art there. I could not be then, O my God, could not be at all, wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were in Thee, of whom are all things, by whom are all things, in whom are all things? Even so, Lord, even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence canst Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that thence my God should come into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and the earth.

            

向天父呼吁,就是请天父降至我身,那么我将怎样向我的天父,向我的主、天父呼吁?我心中是否有地方足以使我的天父降临,使创造天地的主宰降至我身?主、我的天父,我身上真的有可以容纳你的地方吗?你所造的天地,复载我们的天地能容纳你吗?是否由于一切存在没有你便不能存在,为此凡存在的便容纳你:这样,我既然存在,何必要求你降至我身?因为除非你在我身上,否则我便无由存在。我不在黄泉,而你在那里;即便“我进入地狱,你也还在那里”。④我的天父,假如你不在我身,我便不存在,绝对不存在。

④见《诗篇》138首8节。
而且“一切来自你,一切通过你,一切在你之中”⑤,是否更可以说,我除非在你之中,否则不能存在?主,确然如此,确然如此。那么既然我是在你之中,我更从何处向你呼吁?你从何处降至我身?我的天父,你曾说:“我充塞天地”⑥,我岂将凌跨天地之外,使你能降来我身?
⑤见《新约•罗马书》11章36节。
⑥见《旧约•耶利米书》23章24节。




1.3

Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since Thou fillest them? or dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee? And whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou forth the remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain Thee, who containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillest by containing it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, since, though they were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou art poured out on us, Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us; Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillest all things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self? or, since all things cannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee? and all at once the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the smaller less? And is, then one part of Thee greater, another less? or, art Thou wholly every where, while nothing contains Thee wholly?

            

既然你充塞天地,天地能包容你吗?是否你充塞天地后,还有不能被天地包容的部分?你充塞天地后,余下的部分安插在哪里?是否你充塞一切,而不须被任何东西所包容,因为你充塞一切,亦即是包容一切?一只瓶充满了你,并没有把你固定下来,瓶即使破碎,你并不散溢。你倾注在我们身内,但并不下坠,反而支撑我们;你并不涣散,反而收敛我们。 但你充塞一切,是否你全体充塞一切?是否一切不能包容你全体,仅能容纳你一部分,而一切又同时容纳你的同一部分?是否各自容纳一部分,大者多而小者少?这样你不是有大的部分和小的部分了?或是你不论在哪里,便整个在哪里,而别无一物能占有你全体?




1.4

What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord but the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yet most present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yet incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking; supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again what Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing in gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury. Thou receivest over and above, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou payest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what had I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any man when he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since mute are even the most eloquent.

            

我的天父,你究竟是什么?我问:你除了是主、天父外,是什么呢?“除主之外,谁是天父?除了我的天父外,谁是天父?”①

①见《诗篇》17首32节。
至高、至美、至能、无所不能、至仁、至义、至隐、无往而不在,至美、至坚、至定、但又无从执持,不变而变化一切,无新无故而更新一切:“使骄傲者不自知地走向衰亡”①;行而不息,晏然常寂,总持万机,而一无所需;负荷一切,充裕一切,维护一切,创造一切,养育一切,改进一切;虽万物皆备,而仍不弃置。你爱而不偏,嫉而不愤,悔而不怨,蕴怒而仍安;你改变工程,但不更动计划;你采纳所获而未有所失;你从不匮乏,但因所获而欢乐;你从不悭吝,但要求收息。谁能对你格外有所贡献,你便若有所负,但谁能有丝毫不属于你呢?你并无亏欠于人,而更为之偿;你免人债负,而仍无所损。我能说什么呢?我的天父,我的生命,我神圣的甘饴,谈到你,一人能说什么呢?但谁对于你默而不言,却是祸事,因为即使这人谈得滔滔不绝,还和未说一样。
①见《旧约•约伯记》9章5节。




1.5

Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it. Or what am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give it not, art wroth with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is it then a slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. So speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. After this voice let me haste, and take hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die--lest I die--only let me see Thy face.

            

谁能使我安息在你怀中?谁能使你降入我的心灵,使我酣畅,使我忘却忧患,使我抱持你作为我的唯一至宝? 你对我算什么?求你怜悯我使我能够说出。我对你算什么,而你竟命我爱你?如果我不如此,你就对我发怒,并用严重的灾害威胁我。如果我不爱你,这仅仅是小不幸吗?我的主,天父,请因你的仁慈告诉我,你和我有什么关系。请告诉我的灵魂说:“我是你的救援。”①请你说,让我听到。我的心倾听着,请你启我心灵的双耳,请你对我的灵魂说:“我是你的救援”。我要跟着这声音奔驰,我要抓住你。请你不要对我掩住你的面容。让我死,为了不死,为了瞻仰你的圣容。




1.6

Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or to whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secret faults, and spare Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe, and therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessed against myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee, who art the truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall abide it?

            

我的灵魂的居处是狭隘的,不相称你降来,请你加以扩充。它已经毁败,请你加以修葺。它真是不堪入目:我承认,我知道。但谁能把它清除呢?除了向你外,我向谁呼号呢?“主啊,求你清除我的隐慝,不要由于我因他人而犯下的过恶加罪于你的仆人。”②“我相信,因此我说”。③主啊,你完全了解。我向你承认我的过恶后,“你不是就赦免的心的悖谬吗?”④你是真理,我绝不和你争辩,我也不愿欺骗我自己,“不要让我的罪恶向自己撒谎。”⑤我决不向你争辩,因为,“主、主,你若考察我们的罪孽,谁能站得住?”⑥

①见《诗篇》34首3节。 ②见《诗篇》18首14节。 ③同上,115首1节。 ④同上,31首5节。 ⑤同上,26首12节。 ⑥同上,129首3节。




1.7

Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven-taught affection, willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh; nothing more.

            

请允许我,请允许尘埃粪土的我向你的慈爱说话:请允许我说话,因为我是向你的慈爱,不是向讥嘲我的人说话。可能你也笑我,但不久即转而矜怜我。主,我的天父,我想说什么呢?我只能说我不知道从那里来到此世,我要说,来到这死亡的生活中,或是生活的死亡中。我并不知道。你的慈爱收纳抚慰我、一如我从生身的父母那里听到的,是你用了他,在她身内形成了我,使我生于此世。我自己也不能记忆。 从此有人乳养着我,我的母亲,我的乳母,并不能自己充实她们的乳房,是你,主,是你按照你的安排,把你布置在事物深处所蕴藏的,通过她们,给我孩提时的养料。你又使我在你所赐予之外不再有所求,使乳养我的人愿意把你所给予她们的给我,她们本着天赋的感情,肯把自你处大量得来的东西给我。我从她们那里获得滋养,这为她们也有好处;更应说这滋养并不来自她们,而是通过她们,因为一切美好来自你天父,我的一切救援来自我的天主。这是我以后才知道的,是你用了你所给我身内身外的一切向我呼喊说明的。那时我只知道吮乳,舒服了便安息,什么东西碰痛我的肉体便啼哭,此外一无所知。




1.8

Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it.

            

稍后,我开始笑了,先是睡着笑,接着醒时也会笑。这些都是别人告诉我的,我相信,因为我看见其他婴孩也如此,但对于我自己的这些情况,一些也记不起来。逐渐我感觉到我在什么地方,并要向别人表示我的意愿,使人照着做;但是不可能,因为我的意愿在我身内,别人在我身外,他们的任何官感不可能进入我的心灵。我指手划脚,我叫喊,我尽我所能作出一些模仿我意愿的表示。这些动作并不能达意。别人或不懂我的意思,或怕有害于我,没有照着做,我恼怒那些行动自由的大人们不顺从我,不服侍我,我便以啼哭作为报复。照我所观察到的,小孩都是如此,他们虽则不识不知,但比养育我的、有意识的人们更能告诉我孩提时的情况。




1.9

And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed for ever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? was it that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? and what before that life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?

            

我的幼年早已死去,而我还活着。主啊,你是永永地生活着,在你身上没有丝毫死亡,在世纪之前,在一切能称为以往之前,你存在着,你是主,你所创造的万物的主宰、在你身上存在着种种过往的本原,一切变和不变的权舆,一切暂时的无灵之物的永恒原因;天父,求你告诉我,求你的慈爱矜怜我,告诉我是否我的孩提之年继续前一时期已经消逝的我,是否我在母胎之时度着这一时期的生命?因为有人向我谈到这一段生命,而我自己也看到妇人的怀孕。我的天父,我的甘饴,在这个时期以前我是怎样?是否我曾生活在某一地方,曾是某一人?因为没有一人能答复我,我的父母,别人的经验,我的记忆,都不能作答。你是否要哂笑我向你提出这些问题?你不是命我照我所领悟的赞美你、歌颂你吗?




1.10

I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs whereby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? for Thou Thyself art supremely Essence and Life. For Thou art most high, and art not changed, neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And since Thy years fail not, Thy years are one to-day. How many of ours and our fathers' years have flowed away through Thy "to-day," and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the mould of their degree of being. But Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, Thou hast done to-day. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, What thing is this? Let him rejoice even thus! and be content rather by not discovering to discover Thee, than by discovering not to discover Thee.

            

我歌颂你,天地的主宰,我以我记忆所不及的有生之初和孩提之年歌颂你;你使人们从别人身上推测自己的过去,并从妇女的证实中相信自身的许多前尘影事。这时我已经存在,已经生活着,在我幼年结束之时,已经在寻求向别人表达意识的方法了。 主,这样一个动物不来自你能从哪里来呢?谁能是自身的创造者?除了你创造我们之外,哪里能有存在和生命的泉源流注到我们身上呢?主,在你,存在与生命是二而一的,因为最高的存在亦即是最高的生命。 你是至高无上、永恒不变的;在你,从不会有过去的今天,而在你之中今天则悄然而逝,因为这一切都在你掌持之中,除非你把持它们,便没有今古。“你的年岁终无穷尽”,①你的年岁永远是现在:我们和我们祖先的多少岁月已在你的今天之中过去了,过去的岁月从你的今天得到了久暂的尺度,将来的岁月也将随此前规而去。“你却永不变易”②:明天和将来的一切,昨天和过去的一切,为你是今天将做,今天已做。有人懂不了,我也没有办法。希望这人会询问:“这是什么?”③而感到兴备。希望他为此而兴奋时,宁愿不理解而找到你,不要专求理解而找不到你。

①见《诗篇》101首38节。 ②同上。 ③见《旧约•出埃及记》16章15节。




1.11

Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; for Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth me of the sins of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth. Who remindeth me? doth not each little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember not? What then was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? for should I now so do for food suitable to my age, justly should I be laughed at and reproved. What I then did was worthy reproof; but since I could not understand reproof, custom and reason forbade me to be reproved. For those habits, when grown, we root out and cast away. Now no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away what is good. Or was it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, if given, would hurt? bitterly to resent, that persons free, and its own elders, yea, the very authors of its birth, served it not? that many besides, wiser than it, obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to do its best to strike and hurt, because commands were not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its hurt? The weakness then of infant limbs, not its will, is its innocence. Myself have seen and known even a baby envious; it could not speak, yet it turned pale and looked bitterly on its foster-brother. Who knows not this? Mothers and nurses tell you that they allay these things by I know not what remedies. Is that too innocence, when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance, not to endure one to share it, though in extremest need, and whose very life as yet depends thereon? We bear gently with all this, not as being no or slight evils, but because they will disappear as years increase; for, though tolerated now, the very same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in riper years.

            

十一

天父,请你俯听我。人们的罪恶真可恨!一个人说了这话,你就怜悯他,因为你造了他,但没有造他身上的罪恶。 谁能告诉我幼时的罪恶,因为在你面前没有一人是纯洁无罪的,即使是出世一天的婴孩亦然如此。谁能向我追述我的往事?不是任何一个小孩都能吗?在他们身上我可以看到记忆所不及的我。 但这时我犯什么罪呢?是否因为我哭着要饮乳?如果我现在如此迫不及待地,不是饮乳而是取食合乎我年龄的食物,一定会被人嘲笑,理应受到斥责。于此可见我当时做了应受斥责的事了,但我那时既然不可能明了别人的斥责,准情酌理也不应受此苛责;况且我们长大以后便完全铲除了这些状态,我也从未看到一人不分良莠而一并芟除的。但如哭着要有害的东西,对行动自由的大人们、对我的父母以及一些审慎的人不顺从我有害的要求,我发怒,要打他们、损害他们,责罚他们不曲从我的意志这种种行动在当时能视为是好事情吗? 可见婴儿的纯洁不过是肢体的稚弱,而不是本心的无辜。我见过也体验到孩子的妒忌:还不会说话,就面若死灰,眼光狠狠盯着一同吃奶的孩子。谁不知道这种情况?母亲和乳母自称能用什么方法来加以补救。不让一个极端需要生命粮食的弟兄靠近丰满的乳源,这是无罪的吗?但人们对此都迁就容忍,并非因为这是小事或不以为事,而是因为这一切将随年龄长大而消失。这是唯一的理由,因为如果在年龄较大的孩子身上发现同样的情况,人们决不会熟视无睹的。




1.12

Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, furnishing thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, compacting its limbs, ornamenting its proportions, and, for its general good and safety, implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandest me to praise Thee in these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing unto Thy name, Thou most Highest. For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, even hadst Thou done nought but only this, which none could do but Thou: whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy own fairness makest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This age then, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others' word, and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though the guess be, I am yet loth to count in this life of mine which I live in this world. For no less than that which I spent in my mother's womb, is it hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me, where, I beseech Thee, O my God, where, Lord, or when, was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that period I pass by; and what have I now to do with that, of which I can recall no vestige?

            

十二

主,我的天父,你给孩子生命和肉体,一如我们看见的,你使肉体具有官能、四肢、美丽的容貌,又渗入生命的全部力量,使之保持全身的和谐。你命我在这一切之中歌颂你,“赞美你,歌颂你至高者的圣名”,①因为你是全能全善的天父,即使你仅仅创造这一些,也没有一人能够做到:你是万有的唯一真原,化育万类的至美者,你的法则制度一切。 主啊,我记不起这个时代的生活,仅能听信别人的话,并从其他孩子身上比较可靠地推测这一段生活,我很惭愧把它列入我生命史的一部分。这个时代和我在胚胎中的生活一样,都已遗忘于幽隐之中。“我是在罪业中生成的,我在胚胎中就有了罪”,②我的天父,何时何地你的仆人曾是无罪的?现在我撇开这时期吧;既然我已记不起一些踪影,则我和它还有什么关系?

①见《诗篇》91首2节。 ②同上,50首7节。




1.13

Passing hence from infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me, displacing infancy. Nor did that depart,--(for whither went it?)--and yet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but a speaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned to speak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, other learning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accents and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I might have my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom I willed, did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me, practise the sounds in my memory. When they named any thing, and as they spoke turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they called what they would point out by the name they uttered. And that they meant this thing and no other was plain from the motion of their body, the natural language, as it were, of all nations, expressed by the countenance, glances of the eye, gestures of the limbs, and tones of the voice, indicating the affections of the mind, as it pursues, possesses, rejects, or shuns. And thus by constantly hearing words, as they occurred in various sentences, I collected gradually for what they stood; and having broken in my mouth to these signs, I thereby gave utterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with those about me these current signs of our wills, and so launched deeper into the stormy intercourse of human life, yet depending on parental authority and the beck of elders.

            

十三

是否我离开了幼年时代而到达童年时代,或童年到我身上替代了幼年?但前者并没有离去,它能往何处去呢?可是它已经不存在了。我已经不是一个不言不语的婴儿,已经成为呀呀学语的孩子了。据我记忆所及,从此以后,我开始学语了,这也是我以后注意到的。并不是大人们依照一定程序教我言语,和稍后读书一样;是我自己,凭仗你,我的天父赋给我的理智,用呻吟、用各种声音、用肢体的种种动作,想表达出我内心的思想,使之服从我的意志;但不可能表达我所要的一切,使人人领会我所有的心情。为此,听到别人指称一件东西,或看到别人随着某一种声音做某一种动作,我便记下来:我记住了这东西叫什么,要指那件东西时,便发出那种声音。又从别人的动作了解别人的意愿,这是各民族的自然语言:用面上的表情、用目光和其他肢体的顾盼动作、用声音表达内心的情感,或为要求、或为保留、或是拒绝、或是逃避。这样一再听到那些语言,按各种语句中的先后次序,我逐渐通解它们的意义,便勉强鼓动唇舌,借以表达我的意愿。 从此,我开始和周围的人们使用互相达意的信号,在父母的约束下、在尊长的指导下,更进一步踏入人类生活翻复动荡的社会。




1.14

O God my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, when obedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, in order that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science, which should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches. Next I was put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knew not what use there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. For this was judged right by our forefathers; and many, passing the same course before us, framed for us weary paths, through which we were fain to pass; multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, Lord, we found that men called upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think of Thee (according to our powers) as of some great One, who, though hidden from our senses, couldest hear and help us. For so I began, as a boy, to pray to Thee, my aid and refuge; and broke the fetters of my tongue to call on Thee, praying Thee, though small, yet with no small earnestness, that I might not be beaten at school. And when Thou heardest me not (not thereby giving me over to folly), my elders, yea my very parents, who yet wished me no ill, mocked my stripes, my then great and grievous ill.

            

十四

天父、我的天父,这时我经受了多少忧患、多少欺骗!当时对童年的我提示出正当生活是在乎听从教诲,为了日后能出人头地,为了擅长于为人间荣华富贵服务的词令。因此,我被送进学校去读书,那时我还不识读书的用处,但如果读得懈怠,便受责打。大人们都赞成这种办法,并且以前已有许多人过着这样的生活,为我们准备了艰涩的道路,强迫我们去走,增加了亚当子孙的辛劳与痛苦。 但是,主,我们也碰到了向你祷告的人,从他们那里,我们也尽可能地学习到、从而意识到你是一个伟大人物,你虽则未尝呈现在我们面前,却能倾听我们、帮助我们。因为我在童年时已开始祈求你,作为我的救援和避难所,我是滔滔不绝地向你呼吁,我年龄虽小却怀着很大的热情,求你保佑我在学校中不受夏楚。每逢你为了我的好没有听从我时,大人们、甚至决不愿我吃苦的父母们都笑受扑责:这在当时是我重大的患难。




1.15

Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with so intense affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but is there any one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with so great a spirit, that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and other torments (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Thee with extreme dread), mocking at those by whom they are feared most bitterly, as our parents mocked the torments which we suffered in boyhood from our masters? For we feared not our torments less; nor prayed we less to Thee to escape them. And yet we sinned, in writing or reading or studying less than was exacted of us. For we wanted not, O Lord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy will gave enough for our age; but our sole delight was play; and for this we were punished by those who yet themselves were doing the like. But elder folks' idleness is called "business"; that of boys, being really the same, is punished by those elders; and none commiserates either boys or men. For will any of sound discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, because, by playing a ball, I made less progress in studies which I was to learn, only that, as a man, I might play more unbeseemingly? and what else did he who beat me? who, if worsted in some trifling discussion with his fellow-tutor, was more embittered and jealous than I when beaten at ball by a play-fellow?

            

十五

主啊,是否有人怀着如此伟大的精神,以无比的热情依恋着你,我说,是否有人——因为有时由于愚昧无知也能到此地步——虔诚依恋着你,抱着宏伟的毅力,身受世界上谁都惊怖战栗、趋避惟恐不及的木马刑、铁爪刑等楚毒的刑罚,而竟处之泰然,甚至还热爱着战慑失色的人们,一如我们的父母嘲笑孩子受老师的扑责?我是非常怕打,切求你使我避免责打,但我写字、读书、温课,依旧不达到要求,依旧犯罪。 主啊,我并不缺乏你按照年龄而赋畀的记忆和理解力;但我欢喜游戏,并受到同样从事游戏者的责罚。大人们的游戏被认为是正经事,而孩子们游戏便受大人们责打,人们既不可怜孩子,也不可怜大人。但一个公正的人是否能赞成别人责打我,由于我孩子时因打球游戏而不能很快读熟文章,而这些文章在我成年后将成为更恶劣的玩具?另一面,责打我的人怎样呢?假如他和同事吵架,被同事打败,那他便发出比我打球输给同学时更大的嫉恨!




1.16

And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of all things in nature, of sin the Disposer only, O Lord my God, I sinned in transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. For what they, with whatever motive, would have me learn, I might afterwards have put to good use. For I disobeyed, not from a better choice, but from love of play, loving the pride of victory in my contests, and to have my ears tickled with lying fables, that they might itch the more; the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more, for the shows and games of my elders. Yet those who give these shows are in such esteem, that almost all wish the same for their children, and yet are very willing that they should be beaten, if those very games detain them from the studies, whereby they would have them attain to be the givers of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things, and deliver us who call upon Thee now; deliver those too who call not on Thee yet, that they may call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them.

            

十六

我是在犯罪,主、天父,自然万有的管理者与创造者,但对于罪恶,你仅仅是管理者。主、我的天父,我违反父母师长的命令而犯罪。不论他们要我读书有何用意,以后我却能好好用我所学。我的不服从,不是因为我选择更好的,而是由于喜欢游戏,喜欢因打架胜人而自豪,喜听虚构的故事,越听耳朵越痒心越热,逐渐我的眼睛对大人们看的戏剧和竞技表演也发出同样的好奇心了。招待看戏的人,用这种豪举来增加声望,他们差不多都希望自己的孩子日后也能如此,但假如孩子因看戏而荒废学业,他们是宁愿孩子受扑责的。 主啊,请你用慈爱的心看看这一切,请你挽救已经向你呼吁的我们,也挽救那些尚未向你呼吁的人们,使他们也能发出呼吁而得救。




1.17

As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised us through the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; and even from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I was sealed with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt. Thou sawest, Lord, how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with sudden oppression of the stomach, and like near to death--Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought, from the pious care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of Thy Christ, my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation), would in eager haste have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if I must needs be again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because the defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greater and more perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, and the whole household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, so neither should I. For it was her earnest care that Thou my God, rather than he, shouldest be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over her husband, whom she, the better, obeyed, therein also obeying Thee, who hast so commanded.

            

十七

我童年时代已经听到我们的主、天父谦逊俯就我们的骄傲而许诺给与的永生。我的母亲是非常信望你的,我一出母胎便已给我划上十字的记号,并受你的盐的调理。①主,你也看到我童年时,一天由于胃痛,突然发热,濒于死亡;我的天父,你既然是我的守护者,你也看到我怀着多大热情和多大信心,向我的母亲,向我们全体的母亲、你的教会要求给我施行你的基督、我的主和我的天父的“洗礼”。

①译者按:这是指当时对“望教者”(即有志奉基督教者)举行的一种宗教仪式,并非正式入教时举行的“洗礼”。奥氏在所著《论怎样向不明教义的人讲授教义》一书中,也提到这仪式。现代天主教“洗礼”的第一部分尚保留着这仪式的痕迹,主要是主礼者以手指在望教者的额上和胸前划一“十字”,并以少许食盐置于望教者口中。
我的生身之母,忧心如捣,更愿意用她纯洁的心灵将我永久的生命诞生于你的信仰之中;她急急筹备为我施行使人得救的“洗礼”,希望我承认你、主耶稣而获得罪恶的赦免。但我的病霍然而愈,“洗礼”亦因此中止,好像我仍然活着,则必须仍然沾受罪恶,因为顾虑我受洗后如再陷入罪秽,则罪责将更严重,危害性也更大。 这时我、我的母亲和合家都已有信仰,只有父亲一人除外;但他并不能胜过慈母在我身上的权力,使我和他一样不信基督;因为我的母亲是竭力使你、我的天父,使你成为我的父亲,她宁愿你做我的父亲;你也帮助她使她优越于她的丈夫,更好地服侍丈夫,因为你命她如此,她这样做也就是服侍你。




1.18

I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for what purpose my baptism was then deferred? was it for my good that the rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, "Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptised?" but as to bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is not yet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and then, by my friends' and my own, my soul's recovered health had been kept safe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These my mother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I might afterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made.

            

十八

我求你,我的天父,我愿知道为何使我延期受洗礼,是否为了我的利益而放松犯罪的羁绊?为何我至今还到处听到对于某人、某人说这样的话:“听凭他,由他做去,他还没有受洗礼。”但对于肉体的健康,我们不说:“让他再受些伤,因为他还没有痊愈。”倘我灵魂早些治愈,则我自己和家人定必更努力使得救后的我在你的庇护中获得安全,这岂不是更好吗? 这当然更好。但在我童年之后,险恶的风波胁迫我、考验我,母亲早已料到,她宁愿让泥土去遭受风波,以后再加搏塑,不愿已经成形的肖像遭受蹂躏。




1.19

In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), I loved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; and this was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced, I had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even though what he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, but what was well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardless how I should employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate the insatiate desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom the very hairs of our head are numbered, didst use for my good the error of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would not learn, Thou didst use for my punishment--a fit penalty for one, so small a boy and so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thou didst well for me; and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. For Thou hast commanded, and so it is, that every inordinate affection should be its own punishment.

            

十九

旁人对我青年时代的担心过于童年。我童年不欢喜读书,并且恨别人强迫我读书;但我仍受到强迫,这为我是好的,而我并不好好地做:不受强迫,我便不读书。虽是好事,不情愿做也不会做好。况且强迫我的人也并不做得好;但我的天父,你却使之有益于我。因为他们除了想满足对傥来的财富与可耻的光荣贪得无餍的欲壑之外,何尝想到强迫我读书有什么其他目的。“你对我们每人头发的数目也清楚的”,①你利用一切催促我读书的人的错误使我得益,又利用我怠于学业的错误而加之惩罚;我年龄虽小,但已罪大恶极,确应受惩罚。你利用那些不为我利益打算的人来造就我,又使犯罪的我受到应受的处分。你促使一切不正常的思想化成本人的罪刑,事实确然如此。

①见《马太福音》10章30节。




1.20

But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I do not yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters, but what the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons, reading, writing and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden and penalty as any Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin and vanity of this life, because I was flesh, and a breath that passeth away and cometh not again? For those first lessons were better certainly, because more certain; by them I obtained, and still retain, the power of reading what I find written, and myself writing what I will; whereas in the others, I was forced to learn the wanderings of one Aeneas, forgetful of my own, and to weep for dead Dido, because she killed herself for love; the while, with dry eyes, I endured my miserable self dying among these things, far from Thee, O God my life.

            

二十

我自小就憎恨读希腊文,究竟什么原因,即在今天我还是不能明白。我酷爱拉丁文,当然不是启蒙老师教的,而是所谓文法先生教的拉丁文,因为学习阅读、书写、计算时所读的初步拉丁文,和一切希腊文一样,在我是同样感到艰涩而厌倦。什么缘故?当然是随着罪恶和渺茫的生命而来的:“我是血气,不过是一阵去而不返的风。”①我过去和现在所以能阅读各种书籍和写出我所要写的文字都靠我早年所读的书;这些最早获得的学识,比了逼我背诵的不知哪一个埃涅阿斯的流浪故事②,当然更好、更可靠。当时我为狄多的死,为她的失恋自尽③而流泪;而同时,这可怜的我,对那些故事使我离弃你天父而死亡,却不曾流一滴泪。

①见《诗篇》77首39节。 ②埃涅阿斯(Aeneas)是罗马诗人味吉尔(公元前70—19)所著《埃涅依斯》史诗中的主角。 ③《埃涅依斯》诗中迦太基女王。




1.21

For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping not his own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication against Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed "Well done! well done!" for the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed not to he thus a man. And for all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido slain, and "seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myself seeking the while a worse extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thy creatures, having forsaken Thee, earth passing into the earth. And if forbid to read all this, I was grieved that I might not read what grieved me. Madness like this is thought a higher and a richer learning, than that by which I learned to read and write.

            

二十一

还有比我这个不知可怜自己的可怜人,只知哭狄多的殉情而不知哭自己因不爱你天父、我心灵的光明、灵魂的粮食、孕育我精神思想的力量而死亡的人更可怜吗?我不爱你,我背弃你而趋向邪途,我在荒邪中到处听到“好啊!好啊!”的声音。人世间的友谊是背弃你而趋于淫乱,“好啊!好啊!”的喝采声,是为了使我以不随波逐浪为可耻。对这些我不痛哭,却去痛哭: “狄多的香消玉陨,以剑自刎”。①

我背弃了你,却去追逐着受造物中最不堪的东西;我这一团泥土只会钻入泥土,假如有人禁止我阅读,我便伤心,因为不能阅读使我伤心的书本。当时认为这些荒诞不经的文字,比起我阅读书写的知识,是更正经、更有价值的文学。

①见《埃涅依斯》卷六,457句。




1.22

But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul; and let Thy truth tell me, "Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I would readily forget the wanderings of Aeneas and all the rest, rather than how to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is a vail drawn! true; yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite, as a cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry out against me, while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, and acquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love Thy good ways. Let not either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry out against me. For if I question them whether it be true that Aeneas came on a time to Carthage, as the poet tells, the less learned will reply that they know not, the more learned that he never did. But should I ask with what letters the name "Aeneas" is written, every one who has learnt this will answer me aright, as to the signs which men have conventionally settled. If, again, I should ask which might be forgotten with least detriment to the concerns of life, reading and writing or these poetic fictions? who does not foresee what all must answer who have not wholly forgotten themselves? I sinned, then, when as a boy I preferred those empty to those more profitable studies, or rather loved the one and hated the other. "One and one, two"; "two and two, four"; this was to me a hateful singsong: "the wooden horse lined with armed men," and "the burning of Troy," and "Creusa's shade and sad similitude," were the choice spectacle of my vanity.

            

二十二

现在,请我的天父,请你的真理在我心中响亮地喊吧:“不是如此,不是如此。最先受的教育比较好得多!”我宁愿忘掉埃涅阿斯的流浪故事和类似的文字,不愿忘掉阅读书写的知识。文法学校门口挂着门帘,这不是为了保持学术的珍秘,却更好说是掩盖着那里的弊病。他们不必哗然反对我,我已不再害怕他们,我现在是在向你、我的天父,向你诉说我衷心所要说的,我甘愿接受由于我过去流连歧途应受的谴责,使我热爱你的正道。请那些买卖文法的人们不用叫喊着反对我,因为如果我向他们提一个问题:“是否真的如诗人所说,埃涅阿斯到过迦太基?”学问差一些的将回答说不知道,明白一些的将说没有这回事。如果我问埃涅阿斯的名字怎样写,凡读过书的人都能正确答复,写出依据人与人之间约定通行的那些符号。如果我再问:忘掉阅读,忘掉书写,比起忘掉这种虚构的故事诗,哪一样更妨害生活?那么谁都知道凡是一个不完全丧失理智的人将怎样答复。 我童年时爱这种荒诞不经的文字过于有用的知识,真是罪过。可是当时“一一作二、二二作四”,在我看来是一种讨厌的歌诀,而对于木马腹中藏着战士啊,大火烧特洛伊城啊,“克利攸塞的阴魂出现”①啊,却感到津津有味!

①见《埃涅依斯》卷二,772句。




1.23

Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? For Homer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly vain, yet was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I suppose would Virgil be to Grecian children, when forced to learn him as I was Homer. Difficulty, in truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as it were, with gall all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word of it did I understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehemently with cruel threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant) I knew no Latin; but this I learned without fear or suffering, by mere observation, amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends, smiling and sportively encouraging me. This I learned without any pressure of punishment to urge me on, for my heart urged me to give birth to its conceptions, which I could only do by learning words not of those who taught, but of those who talked with me; in whose ears also I gave birth to the thoughts, whatever I conceived. No doubt, then, that a free curiosity has more force in our learning these things, than a frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement restrains the rovings of that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, Thy laws, from the master's cane to the martyr's trials, being able to temper for us a wholesome bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly pleasure which lures us from Thee.

            

二十三

为何当时我对于讴歌这些故事的希腊文觉得憎恨呢?的确荷马很巧妙地编写了这些故事,是一个迷人的小说家,但对童年的我却真讨厌。我想味吉尔对于希腊儿童也如此,他们被迫读味吉尔,和我被迫读荷马一样。读外国文字真是非常艰苦,甜蜜的希腊神话故事上面好像撒上了一层苦胆。我一个字也不识,人们便用威吓责罚来督促我读。当然拉丁文起初我也不识,但我毫无恐惧,不受磨折地,在乳母们哄逗下,在共同笑语之中,在共同游戏之时,留心学会了。我识字是没有遇到也没有忍受强迫责罚,我自己的意志促引我产生概念,但不可能不先学会一些话,这些话,不是从教师那里,而是从同我谈话的人那里学来的,我也把我的思想说给他们听。 于此可见,识字出于自由的好奇心,比之因被迫而勉强遵行的更有效果。但是,天父啊,你用你的法律,从教师的戒尺到殉教者所受的酷刑,使胁迫约束着好奇心的奔放,你的法律能渗入有益的辛酸,促使我们从离间你我的宴安鸩毒中重新趋向到你身畔。




1.24

Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, nor let me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou hast drawn me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become a delight to me above all the allurements which I once pursued; that I may most entirely love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all my affections, and Thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end. For lo, O Lord, my King and my God, for Thy service be whatever useful thing my childhood learned; for Thy service, that I speak, write, read, reckon. For Thou didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learning vanities; and my sin of delighting in those vanities Thou hast forgiven. In them, indeed, I learnt many a useful word, but these may as well be learned in things not vain; and that is the safe path for the steps of youth.

            

二十四

主,请你俯听我的祈祷,不要听凭我的灵魂受不住你的约束而堕落,也不要听凭我倦于歌颂你救我于迷途的慈力,请使我感受到你的甘饴胜过我沉醉于种种佚乐时所感受的况味,使我坚决爱你,全心全意握住你的手,使我有生之年从一切诱惑中获得挽救。主,你是我的君王,我的天父,请容许我将幼时所获得的有用知识为你服务,说话、书写、阅读、计算都为你服务。我读了虚浮的文字,你便惩罚我,又宽赦了我耽玩这些虚浮文字的罪过。的确我在其中读到不少有用的字句,但这些字句也能在正经的典籍中求得,这是稳妥的道路,是儿童们所应走的道路。




1.25

But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom! Who shall stand against thee? how long shalt thou not be dried up? how long roll the sons of Eve into that huge and hideous ocean, which even they scarcely overpass who climb the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer and the adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feigned thunder might countenance and pander to real adultery. And now which of our gowned masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own school cries out, "These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human to the gods; would he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet more truly had he said, "These are indeed his fictions; but attributing a divine nature to wicked men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, and whoso commits them might seem to imitate not abandoned men, but the celestial gods."

            

二十五

人世间习俗的洪流真可怕!谁能抗御你?你几时才会枯竭?你几时才停止把夏娃的子孙卷入无涯的苦海,即使登上十字架宝筏也不易渡过的苦海?我不是在你那里读到了驱策雷霆和荒唐淫乱的优庇特吗?当然他不可能兼有这两方面;但这些故事却使人在虚幻的雷声勾引之下犯了真正的奸淫时有所借口。 哪一个道貌俨然的夫子肯认真地听受一个和他们出于同一泥沼的人的呼喊:“荷马虚构这些故事,把凡人的种种移在神身上,我宁愿把神的种种移在我们身上?”①说得更确切一些:荷马编造这些故事,把神写成无恶不作的人,使罪恶不成为罪恶,使人犯罪作恶,不以为仿效坏人,而自以为取法于天上神灵。

①罗马作家西塞罗(公元前106—43)语,见所著《多斯古伦别墅辩论集》(Fus-culanaeDisputationes)1章6节。




1.26

And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men with rich rewards, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity is made of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of laws appointing a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest thy rocks and roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; most necessary to gain your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we should have never known such words as "golden shower," "lap," "beguile," "temples of the heavens," or others in that passage, unless Terence had brought a lewd youth upon the stage, setting up Jupiter as his example of seduction."Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn, Of Jove's descending in a golden shower To Danae's lap a woman to beguile."And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority: "And what God? Great Jove, Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder, And I, poor mortal man, not do the same! I did it, and with all my heart I did it."Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness; but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not that I blame the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; but that wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers; and if we, too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no sober judge to whom we may appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I now without hurt may remember this), all this unhappily I learnt willingly with great delight, and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy.

            

二十六

可是你这条地狱的河流,人们带了贽仪把孩子投入你的波涛之中为学习这些东西!而且这还列为大事,在市场上,在国家制度私人的束修外另给薪金的法律之前公开进行!你那冲击岩石的声浪响喊着:“在那里求得学问,在那里获得说服别人和发挥意见所必要的词令。”假如不是铁伦提乌斯描写一个浪漫青年看见一幅绘着“优庇特把金雨落在达那埃怀中,迷惑这妇人”①的壁画,便奉优庇特为奸淫的榜样,我们不会知道诗中所用:金雨、怀中、迷惑、天宫等词句。瞧,这青年好像在神的诱掖之下,鼓励自己干放诞风流的勾当: “这是哪一路神道啊?他说。 竟能发出雷霆振撼天宫。 我一个凡夫,不这样做吗? 我已经干了,真觉自豪。”② 这些词句并非通过淫亵的描写而更易记忆,这些词句不过更使人荒淫无度。我并不归罪于这些文词,它们只是贵重精致的容器,我只归罪于迷人的酒,被沉醉的博士先生们斟在器中要我们喝,不喝便打,而且不许向一个清醒的法官申诉。

但是我的天父啊,在你面前,我毫无顾虑的回想过去,我自己是读得爱不释手,我可怜地醉心于这些文字,然恰因此而有人说我这孩子是前程无量呢!

①见铁伦提乌斯(公元前195—159)诗剧《太监》,585,589,590句。 ②参看19页注②。




1.27

Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and on what dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough to my soul, upon terms of praise or shame, and fear of stripes, to speak the words of Juno, as she raged and mourned that she could not "This Trojan prince from Latinum turn."Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced to go astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say in prose much what he expressed in verse. And his speaking was most applauded, in whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent, and clothed in the most fitting language, maintaining the dignity of the character. What is it to me, O my true life, my God, that my declamation was applauded above so many of my own age and class? is not all this smoke and wind? and was there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and tongue? Thy praises, Lord, Thy praises might have stayed the yet tender shoot of my heart by the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had it not trailed away amid these empty trifles, a defiled prey for the fowls of the air. For in more ways than one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels.

            

二十七

我的天父,请许我一谈你所赐与我的聪慧和我滥用聪明而做出的傻事。有人给我一项使我灵魂不安的功课,做得好可得荣誉,不好则失颜面,并以鞭挞威吓我。这课文是叫我写朱诺女神因不能“阻止特洛伊人的国王进入意大利”①愤怒痛心而说的话。我知道朱诺并未说这类话,但我们不得不想入非非,追随着神话诗歌的踪迹,把原是用韵的诗,另用散文敷演。谁能体会角色的身份,用最适当的词句描摹出哀愤的情绪,这人便算高才。

我朗诵时,听到极盛的喝采声,胜过其他许多同学和竞赛者。唉,我真正的生命、我的天父,这为我有什么用处?这一切不是烟云吗?为训练我的聪明和口才,没有其他方法吗?主,对你的赞颂,圣经中对你的赞颂之辞,本该支撑我心苗所长的枝叶,不至于被浮华所攫去,为飞鸟所啄食;因为祭祀叛逆之神不仅限于一种方式。

①引味吉尔《埃涅依斯》卷一,38句。




1.28

But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and went out from Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before me as models, who, if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, they committed some barbarism or solecism, being censured, were abashed; but when in rich and adomed and well-ordered discourse they related their own disordered life, being bepraised, they gloried? These things Thou seest, Lord, and holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. Wilt Thou hold Thy peace for ever? and even now Thou drawest out of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for Thy pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; Thy face, Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections is removal from Thee. For it is not by our feet, or change of place, that men leave Thee, or return unto Thee. Or did that Thy younger son look out for horses or chariots, or ships, fly with visible wings, or journey by the motion of his limbs, that he might in a far country waste in riotous living all Thou gavest at his departure? a loving Father, when Thou gavest, and more loving unto him, when he returned empty. So then in lustful, that is, in darkened affections, is the true distance from Thy face.

            

二十八

当时教我奉为模范的是那些谈到自己的常事时因措词不善或文法错误而受到讥评,便深感惭愧,演述自己的轻薄行径时却有伦有脊、情文相生、淋漓尽致,受到人家称赞而引以自豪的人。我堕入虚浮之中离开了你,又何足为奇? 主,你是种种觑得明白,但默而不言,你真是“能忍的,慈祥而真实的”。①但你是否始终沉默呢?现在我的灵魂追求你、渴望你的甘饴,我的心灵向你说:“我已追寻你的容光,主,我还将追寻你的容光”,②因为处于情欲的暗影之中,就远离你的容光;你便把我从不测深渊中挽救出来。离开你或重新趋向你身畔,不是在双足的步履上,也不是在空间的距离上。你的次子,是否跨马或乘车搭船,或生了双翅而飞行,或徒步而去,别居于辽远的地区,挥霍你在临行时所给他的财物?③你是一位温良的父亲,你给他财物;等他贫无立锥而回家时,你更是温良。因此,都是由于纵情恣欲才陷入黑暗,才远离你的容光。

①见《诗篇》102首8节;85首15节。 ②同上,26首8节。 ③用《新约•路加福音》15章荡子回头的比喻。




1.29

Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont how carefully the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables received from those who spake before them, neglecting the eternal covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Insomuch, that a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more offend men by speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," in despite of the laws of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a "human being" in despite of Thine. As if any enemy could be more hurtful than the hatred with which he is incensed against him; or could wound more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own soul by his enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as the record of conscience, "that he is doing to another what from another he would be loth to suffer." How deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great, that sittest silent on high and by an unwearied law dispensing penal blindness to lawless desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence, a man standing before a human judge, surrounded by a human throng, declaiming against his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed most watchfully, lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "human being"; but takes no heed, lest, through the fury of his spirit, he murder the real human being.

            

二十九

主、天父,请你看、请你和经常一样耐心地看:人的子孙多么留心遵守前人说话时通行的有关文字字母的规律,却忽视你所传授的有关永生的永恒规律;以致一个通晓或教授读音规则的人,如果违反文法,把带有气音的homo④读成没有气音的omo,比起自身为人,违反你的命令而仇视他人,更使人不快。这无异认为仇人本身比我憎恨仇人的怨毒之心更有害于我,或以打击别人而加给别人的损伤过于本身因仇视别人而内心所受的损伤。在我们心中,学问知识镌刻得一定不比“己所不欲,勿施于人”的良知更深。

天父,唯一的伟大者,你深邃静穆地高居天上,你用永行不废的法律对违反者撒下惩罚性的愚昧:一个人,在群众围绕之中,当法官之前,热狂地企求雄辩的声誉,怀着最不人道的怨毒攻击仇人的时候,小心翼翼地注意着不要一时失口,说出“interomines”,①但绝不想到,由于内心的怒火,能把一个人从人群中剔出去。

④按homo拉丁文义为人。
①按omines字首漏去吐气音H;“interhomines”义为“在人们中间”。




1.30

This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood; this the stage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than having committed one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak and confess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I then thought it all virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness, wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes. Before them what more foul than I was already, displeasing even such as myself? with innumerable lies deceiving my tutor, my masters, my parents, from love of play, eagerness to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I committed, from my parents' cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or that I might have to give to boys, who sold me their play, which all the while they liked no less than I. In this play, too, I often sought unfair conquests, conquered myself meanwhile by vain desire of preeminence. And what could I so ill endure, or, when I detected it, upbraided I so fiercely, as that I was doing to others? and for which if, detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to quarrel than to yield. And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, not so; I cry Thy mercy, my God. For these very sins, as riper years succeed, these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from nuts and balls and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold and manors and slaves, just as severer punishments displace the cane. It was the low stature then of childhood which Thou our King didst commend as an emblem of lowliness, when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom of heaven.

            

三十

我童年时可怜地躺在这些风尚的门口,那里是我鏖战的沙场,那里我更怕违犯文法,不怕因自己犯文字错误而妒忌不犯错误的人。 我的天父,我向你诉说以往种种,并向你忏悔我当时获得赞扬的往事,而当时我的生活标准便是使那些称道我的人满意,我尚未看出垢污的深渊,“我失足于其中,远远离开了你的双目”。②

②见《诗篇》30首23节。
在你眼中还有什么人比我更恶劣呢?由于我耽于嬉游,欢喜看戏,看了又急于依样葫芦去模仿,撒了无数的谎,欺骗伴读的家人,欺骗教师与父母,甚至连那些称道我的人也讨厌我。我还从父母的伙食间中,从餐桌上偷东西吃,以满足我口腹之欲,或以此收买其他儿童从事彼此都喜爱的游戏。在游戏中,我甚至挟持了求胜的虚荣心,住往占夺了欺骗的胜利。但假如我发现别人用此伎俩,那我绝不容忍,便疾言厉色地重重责备,相反,我若被人发觉而向我交涉时,却宁愿饱以老拳,不肯退让。 这是儿童的天真吗?不是,主,不是,请许我如此说,我的天父。因为就是这一切,从对伴读家人、老师,对胡桃、弹子、麻雀是如此,进而至于对官长、君主,对黄金、土地、奴隶也就如此;随着年龄一年一年伸展,一如戒尺之后继之以更重的刑具。 因此谦逊的征象仅存于儿童的娇弱:我们的君主啊,你说:“天国属于此类”,①即是此意。
①见《马太福音》19章,14节。




1.31

Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, most excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadst Thou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, and felt; and had an implanted providence over my well-being--a trace of that mysterious Unity whence I was derived; I guarded by the inward sense the entireness of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and in my thoughts on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth, I hated to be deceived, had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was soothed by friendship, avoided pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small a creature, what was not wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts of my God: it was not I who gave them me; and good these are, and these together are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good; and before Him will I exult for every good which of a boy I had. For it was my sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures- myself and others--I sought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong into sorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory and my confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thou preserve them to me. For so wilt Thou preserve me, and those things shall be enlarged and perfected which Thou hast given me, and I myself shall be with Thee, since even to be Thou hast given me.

            

三十一

但是,主、万有最完备最美善的创造者和主持者,我们的天父,即使你要我只是一个儿童,我也感谢你。因为这时我存在,我有生命,我有感觉,我知道保持自身的完整,这是我来自你的深沉神秘的纯一性的迹象;我心力控制我全部思想行动,在我微弱的知觉上,在对琐细事物的意识上,我欣然得到真理。我不愿受欺骗,我有良好的记忆力,我学会了说话,我感受友谊的抚慰,我逃避痛苦、耻辱、愚昧。这样一个生灵上,哪一点不是可惊奇、可赞叹的呢?但这一切都是我天父的恩赐,不是我给我自己的;并且这一切都是良好的,这一切就是我。造我者本身原是美善,也是我的美善,我用我童年的一切优长来歌颂他。 我的犯罪是由于不从他那里,而独在他所造的事物中、在我本身和其他一切之中,追求快乐,追求超脱,追求真理,因此我便陷入于痛苦、耻辱和错谬之中。我感谢你、我的甘饴、我的光荣、我的依赖、我的天父;感谢你的恩赐,并求你为我保持不失。你必定会保存我,而你所赐与我的一切也将日益向荣;我将和你在一起,因为我的存在就是你所赐与的。


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